2008 Republican Convention Schedule

6:00 pm Mike Huckabee Salutes Confederate Flag
6:15 pm Group Hug and Cross Burning
6:20 pm Ann Coulter Bares Adam's Apple
7:00 pm OPENING REMARKS: "HONESTY IN GOVERNMENT" - Randy "Duke" Cunningham
7:25 pm Log Cabin Republicans Induct Sen. Larry Craig into Stall of Fame
7:45 pm CEREMONIAL LIGHTING OF COAL FIRED POWER PLANT
7:55 pm Rush Limbaugh Lecture: "Anal Poisoning and John McCain"
8:00 pm John McCain leads convention in rousing chorus of "Bomb, Bomb, Bomb, Bomb Bomb Iran."
8:10 pm "Why All Scientists Are Wrong," Talk Given Posthumously from Hell by Jerry Fallwell and Grand Inquisitor
8:15 pm Rick Santorum Addresses Convention: "The Secret Man on Dog Agenda."
8:35 pm George W. Bush re-ups for the National Guard
8:40 pm Ronald Reagan's corpse re-animated, still can't remember Iran-Contra
9.00 pm MEMORIAL SERVICE FOR BILL OF RIGHTS
10:00 pm WARRENTLESS WIRETAPPING ETIQUETTE – Alberto Gonzales
11:00 pm BILL O'REILLY SALUTES HOMELESS VETS
11:05 pm COLLECTION FOR CHILDREN WITHOUT HEALTH INSURANCE
11:15 pm Keynote Speech: "Why We Fight," by Fred Thompson
11:30 pm National Proclamation by the President: "Nucular Is Now an Official Word"
11:45 pm Glenn Beck Kicks Keith Olbermann onto Subway Tracks
11:50 pm "Abstinence Only Education, Do As I Say, Not As I Do," by David Vitter
12:15 am TRUTH IN BROADCASTING AWARD - Presented to Rush Limbaugh by Animatronic Joseph Goebbels
12:20 am Ceremonial Assassination of Foreign President by Pat "Ninja" Robertson
12:25 am Ann Coulter French Kisses Lynne Cheney in Ladies Room
12:30 am SATELLITE ADDRESS – Dick Cheney, live from Secret Bunker
12:45 am NOMINATION OF JOHN MCCAIN – Swiftboat Veterans
1:00 am Laura Bush Hands Out Free Xanax
1:05 am "Reagan Republicans" Mass Mooning of John McCain
1:30 am Reagan Reanimated Corpse Proposes a Toast: "To the Youth of America"
1:40 am Closing Remarks: "Why Strom Thurmond Was Better than Harry Truman," by Tom "Hammer" Delay
1:50 am George W. Bush Celebrates End of Term in Cloud of Suspicious White Powder