Medical Mystery Tour

Three things have been aggravating me about the world of medicine this week. First of all, I was supposed to go into Sharp Hospital's "Outpatient Pavilion" on Wednesday to have drainage tubes put in my ears.* Yes, it's the same little operation kids have all the time. When I was young, I never had ear infections, so my hearing has always been excellent, and I never needed tubes. However, after my 5-week ordeal, lying on my back in the hospital last summer and fall, I started having hearing problems, like I had cotton in both ears. I can still hear, but get to annoy everyone by blasting my 5.1 surround sound system through the apartment complex whenever Keith Olbermann engages in another diatribe against Bush.

So anyway, my surgeon from last summer recommended an ENT guy to "fix" my ears. After three visits, he resigned himself to having to operate to insert the tubes. Subsequent to scheduling the surgery at the "Pavilion" last week, I got a call today from the hospital's nurse telling me they can't accept me for outpatient surgery. Why? Because they require that outpatients be ambulatory. What the bloody hell? "Fire regulations," the friendly nurse, Dorothy, told me. "You have to be able to transfer yourself and walk in case of an emergency."

Does the above make any sense to you? How can any patient who's just been subject to anesthesia be expected to walk out of the hospital? Wheelchair or not, I feel this is descriminatory treatment, and I may call Protection and Advocacy tomorrow to see what their opinion says. Now I have to wait for a call from the ENT doc's nurse tomorrow, telling me when I have to go to the main hospital. They haven't informed me yet if I'll have to be admitted overnight, or if I can just drop by for a few hours. Whatever the case, I intend to ask for plenty of Dilaudid!

Meanwhile, I was talking over my medications today with Minda, one of my home care nurses. There was some confusion over how much Bactrim I should take each night, because the pill bottle from the pharmacy contradicts what the doctor told me. Well, I tried calling my urologist's office to get the issue straightened out, only to find out his number has been disconnected, "... and there is no new number." Evidently he retired last October, and neglected to inform me. Isn't there some kind of ethical problem here? Or am I just too demanding? What if I'd come down with a UTI and urgently needed my Cipro refilled? Finally, I called 411, and got connected to the doctor's old voice mail. A female operator robotically assured me I can obtain my medical records by sending a check for $20 to the doctor's PO box.

Now, maybe if I had been a brand-new patient, I could understand better the urologist's forgetting to inform me of his retirement, but I have been seeing this guy for 20 years. I always thought professionalism demanded that a doctor retiring would take on a new partner, and refer his old patients to the new guy, or at least find another guy to take the practice. Professionalism, like Chivalry, seems to be taking a dirt nap.

Then, lastly, my nurse was having a hissy fit because the meds on my chart don't always match exactly what I've been taking. The agency and the nurses treat me like a child. I apparently surrendered my right to consult a doctor on my own when I undertook home nursing care. Again, what the bloody HELL?

Years ago, I got an autographed copy of a Dr. Seuss book about being in the hospital. The elderly lady friend who gave me the book was an acquaintance of Ted Geisel. She confessed to me that Geisel had wanted to make the book a lot stronger, but was afraid of "what they'd do to him."

Why does "patient" have to equal "object," or "victim"? Stop with the reification already! I would like to do away with the term "patient" and just have it replaced by "client." A "patient," after all, is (based on the French root word) merely "one who waits." Doctors and nurses should wait on US; we should not be subservient to their convenience.

* Yes, "Pavilion." Doesn't that Newspeak sound so much better than "hospital," or "clinic"? It reminds me of the old Far Side cartoon, where the dog leaned his head out the car window and bragged to the cat on the sidewalk, "Haha! I'm going to the vet's to be tutored!"